What does Leave & Cleave mean for couples?

[princesa]

I think the Bible teaches that if you be nice and forgive people, the majority of the time they will be nice back. That goes for both the mother and your husband. Who cares if she apologizes? It sounds like she is single and lonely anyway. She is getting plenty of punishment for the poor way that she treats people.

To the extent that the phone calls bother you, I think you should just get him to agree to take the calls at a time when he is away from you, so you don't have to be bothered by it. Personally, I think phone calls in general are annoying -- no matter who they're from. And it bugs me when people are always on the phone around me. So that's where I'm coming from. Have him yak with his mother elsewhere.



Yeah, I guess it wasn't that useful. But the useful thing would be to remember all the good things about your husband that (hopefully) outweigh this negative. And focus on that.

that's useful. thank you. He's such a dang talker. I'm so different. But she takes the take. Two talkers and me, the introvert. It's almost comical. I honestly could not imagine what I could say to my mother for an hour or even half hour every day! Every week maybe, every 2 weeks, sure, but every day? I just don't have that much to say.

But they yap like old BFF's (best friends) and I hear in his voice the naturalness he doesn't have with his own wife, and that gets me.

I'm not as 'flowy' and at ease when conversing with my parents whom I get along with great, I'm more comfortable talking with my husband ofcourse, I don't sense that in him.

[Spartacus]

To answer your question, I think a healthy approach would be to call his mother once a week to make sure she's ok and if she needs anything.

Calling everyday a few times a day, or even every other day, for long periods of time, seems an unhealthy relationship for a man of over 40 to have with his mommy. I hope that answers, i feel he needs to slowly break the clinginess.

It is clear that your mother-in-law has hurt you deeply in the past.

It is clear that her relationship with her son is one of, if not the most important relationship in your mother-in-law's life right now.

To what extent is each of these facts problematic?

[Obsidian]

But they yap like old BFF's (best friends) and I hear in his voice the naturalness he doesn't have with his own wife, and that gets me.

On a practical level, his talking to her less will probably not change how he interacts with you. That is a separate issue. I doubt that anyone on this forum can help you with that much. Be pleasant; be submissive; don't nag; be forgiving; engage in good activities together. Those are about the only tips you can get from the internet.

I wouldn't say that your jealousy is wrong (or right), but you probably need to figure out some practical way to get over it. Or like I said, at least keep it from being shoved in your face all the time.

[princesa]

It is clear that your mother-in-law has hurt you deeply in the past.

It is clear that her relationship with her son is one of, if not the most important relationship in your mother-in-law's life right now.

To what extent is each of these facts problematic?

The first fact is a wound that hasn't healed most especially because she doesn't pay attention to her grandchildren which would have healed us somewhat. If you don't like me but adore my children we can get along. Its problematic, she doesn't even try, it should bother him since it deals with his children.
The second fact- it is not healthy for a mother to cling to her married adult son and constantly call him. It is problematic if he's still cleaving. I'd be happy to hear from anyone who can show me that I'm being unreasonable there. There is a situation with the family involving an illness, maybe i need to be more understanding, i don't know,..

[princesa]

Be pleasant; be submissive; don't nag; be forgiving; engage in good activities together. Those are about the only tips you can get from the internet.

I wouldn't say that your jealousy is wrong (or right), but you probably need to figure out some practical way to get over it. Or like I said, at least keep it from being shoved in your face all the time.

yeah, trust me, i know that's the best i can hope for ...nothing will change after so many years so I just have to shut my mouth and smile and try to forgive and settle for being second in my spouses life. big deal.

[Obsidian]

The fact remains that your strategy -- trying to weaken their bond to make your own seem better -- is just not logical.

The second fact- it is not healthy for a mother to cling to her married adult son and constantly call him.

Nothing about this woman sounds healthy. But her health isn't your concern.

[princesa]

The fact remains that your strategy -- trying to weaken their bond to make your own seem better -- is just not logical.



Nothing about this woman sounds healthy. But her health isn't your concern.

her clinginess affects our marriage. he is not leaving and cleaving.

[One Bad Pig]

Thanks. I think my problem honestly is figuring out if he is putting her first because he doesn't cut her off to once a week phone calls. I sometimes wonder if I'm being unreasonable. See? I don't know for sure that he is putting her first or if I only think he is. How do I measure?

I think it's not healthy to measure, though I quite understand the desire to do so.

Have you ever read C J Cherryh's Foreigner series? You'd probably identify well with one of the bit characters (the main character's mom is quite clingy).

[Obsidian]

her clinginess affects our marriage. he is not leaving and cleaving.

I disapprove of how he is behaving. But honestly, I don't think he is violating this verse.

[princesa]

Why would anyone call their son at midnight , leave a message that it's important, to solve a domestic issue in someone elses home out of state? I'm at a loss, TRYING to be understanding. THen, the son calls back first thing in the morning and tells me i need to be understanding because it's a family health issue. then says he 'fixed' it and i shouldn't get involved. i'm tired.

[RBerman]

We can't afford it, timewise or financial. The truth is he is so very close to his parents, he speaks to them for hours, he calls his sister every day because of the illness situation. I grew up very different. Myself and every other adult I know don't call their parents every day and talk for half hour. I understand there is a special situation on her illness but we are states away, why are they calling him at night for advice saying it's important? He's not God. I don't get it.

He said "My family is going through something right now and we're trying to figure out a way to help"......for 15 years whenever he said 'my family' he meant wife and kids, not this time, it's mommy, daddy etc...

I feel our nuclear family is second place.

At least from your perspective, that certainly seems to be the case. As for whether your can afford it financially or timewise, (1) If the outcome was that he stopped talking to her for hours, then counseling would actually be a win timewise; (2) divorce and its aftermath would be even worse financially and timewise. Given that this issue keeps coming up in your life, it's hard to imagine that it's going to go away or even seem better if you don't get help.

[Teallaura]

I kinda got the 'venting' impression reading the thread (you tend to type too fast when you're upset and grammar becomes more 'optional' ) which was why I refrained from answering (that and I was busy crying over the cat ).

PM me if you like.

[Bill the Cat]

Closing per thread starter's request