Jokes

[Jude]

A pony was giving a speech in a lecture hall. A man stood up in the back and said he could not hear.
The pony said, "You'll have to forgive me. I'm a little horse."

[Cow Poke]

As I age, I am actually becoming more regular in my habits. Every morning at 6am I void my bladder, and at 6:30 I open my bowels... and at 7:00 I wake up.

You've been reading Rogue's diary, I see.

[Littlejoe]

I didn't sleep well last night, so I decided to make my coffee with Red Bull. I was half way to work before I realized I had forgotten my car...

[Sparko]

Mickiel.

[Sparko]

Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull from the stockyard in a far town so that they can breed their own stock.

They only have $600 left. Upon leaving, the brunette tells her sister, "When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home."

The brunette arrives at the stockyard, inspects the bull, and decides she wants to buy it. The man tells her that he will sell it for $599, no less. After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news. She walks into the telegraph office and says, "I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home."

The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, "It's just 99 cents a word." Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette only has $1 left. She realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word.

After a few minutes of thinking, she nods and says, "I want you to send her one word: comfortable."

The operator shakes his head. 'How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her just the word "comfortable?"

The brunette explains, "My sister's blonde. The word's big. She'll read it very slowly ... com-for-da-bull."

[Jude]

A computer once beat me at chess but it was no match for me at kickboxing.

[Jedidiah]

ISIS.jpg

[Jude]

Patience is something you admire in the driver behind you, but not the one ahead.

[Jedidiah]

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.

---The next day, the kids came back and, one by one, began to tell their stories.
There were all the regular types of stuff: Spilled milk and pennies saved. But then the teacher realized, that only Janie was left.

"Janie, do you have a story to share?"
"Yes ma'am. My daddy told me a story about my Mommy. She was a Marine pilot in Desert Storm, and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory, and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife.
She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn't break, and then she parachuted right into the middle of 20 Iraqi troops........
She shot 15 of them with the pistol, until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands."

''Good Heavens, 'said the horrified teacher. What did your Daddy tell you was the moral to this horrible story'?"

...."Yes, don't mess with Mommy when she's been drinking."

[Jude]

When William joined the army he disliked the phrase, "fire at will."

[Jedidiah]

New version of an oldie:

One cutting edge aquarium saved a lot of money when its owner discovered a means to make the dolphins live forever -- since the dolphins never died, no money needed to be spent on buying new ones. Extending the dolphins' lives required putting a special mixture into their food; one of the ingredients was baby sea gull meat. So one day, one of the workers was sent to the beach to find some. On the way back, baby sea gulls in hand, he had to pass through a forest. In the middle of the path was a sleeping lion. He very carefully stepped over it, only to be handcuffed by a policeman.

"Officer," he said, "what's going on?"

"You're under arrest," said the policeman.

"But why?" he asked.

The policeman replied, "For transporting young gulls across sedate lions for immortal porpoises."

[Cow Poke]

KIND of a joke......


One of those "Bible Museum" places had a number of live displays, one of which depicted "The Lion will lay down with the Lamb"*. They had a REAL lion and a REAL lamb, and, sure enough, they seemed to get along just fine. One day, the Museum Curator was giving a tour, and a guest, astonished at the lion and the lamb getting along so well, asked..... "How do you DO that?"

The curator shrugged and said, "oh, it's no problem - we just have to put a new lamb in there about every 3 or 4 days".








*nevermind that this is a misrepresentation of Isaiah 11:6 -The wolf shall dwell with the lamb, and the leopard shall lie down with the young goat, and the calf and the lion and the fattened calf together; and a little child shall lead them.

[The Melody Maker]

We have a whiteboard in my work place on which any of the staff can write "positive thoughts" for the other staff members to see. Yesterday, I saw that one clever person had written this on it:

"Don't judge someone until you've walked a mile in his shoes, because then you're a mile away and wearing his shoes."

No, I didn't write it -- but I thought it was pretty good.

[Littlejoe]

We have a whiteboard in my work place on which any of the staff can write "positive thoughts" for the other staff members to see. Yesterday, I saw that one clever person had written this on it:

"Don't judge someone until you've walked a mile in his shoes, because then you're a mile away and wearing his shoes."

No, I didn't write it -- but I thought it was pretty good.

They must have been reading CP's posts here on Tweb....

http://www.theologyweb.com/campus/sh...l=1#post166618

[rogue06]

A lost dog wanders into a jungle. Meanwhile, a lion sees this from a distance and says to himself, “this guy looks edible, never seen his kind before.” So the lion starts charging towards the dog intent on eating him.

The dog spots the lion and starts to panic but as he’s about to try to run he sees some bones on the ground next to him and gets an idea. “Mmm... that sure was some tasty lion meat,” he says loudly.

The lion abruptly stops and thinks, "Whoa! This guy is obviously tougher then he looks, I better leave while I can.”

Over in a nearby tree a monkey witnessed everything and figures the he can benefit from this situation by telling the lion what happened and therefore having the lion owe him a favor.

So the monkey proceeds to tell the lion what really happened and the lion says angrily, “Get on my back and we’ll go get him together.” So they start rushing back to the dog.

The dog sees them and realized what happened and begins to panic even more, but he then gets another idea and shouts “Where is that stupid monkey? I told him to bring me another lion an hour ago!”