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A Never Ending Story

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  • A Never Ending Story

    Hello everyone, God bless.

    So, this started out as an introductory post but it ended up growing into a kind of religious biographical sketch, like Kudzu growing strong. I talked with some Admins who looked over this work and suggested that perhaps General Theistics 101 would be a better fit. So, I looked over what I wrote several times, and I feel like this is the best version. I do realize that some of what I say may be offensive. I apologize for that and it was not my intention in any way. I am most concerned about how people will view the Process Church poem. I didn't include it to be offensive, I only included it because these are views which have had an effect on me.

    I humbly thank and congratulate the people who take the time to read this post. I sincerely thank everyone who shares their perspective. I hope you will be polite, but I understand if you can't.

    So, here goes, and may you never be the same again:

    "The universe is full; all things are members. Speech they have: bid them speak. The recorder of the words be thou. Such is Panic (Earth) language, the first language. What saith the bird? the beast? the stars? the sun? All? It is their souls speaking. The soul hear thou, and repeat it. This light leadeth thee to origin." - Oahspe: A New Bible: Book of Jehovih, Chapter 1.

    “To love in spite of all is the secret of greatness. And may very well be the greatest secret in this universe.” -L. Ron Hubbard.
    1. IESUS sat in the porch of the Temple, and some came to learn his doctrine, and one said unto him, Master, what teachest thou concerning life?
    2. And he said unto them, Blessed are they who suffer many experiences, for they shall be made perfect through suffering: they shall be as the angels of God in Heaven and shall die no more, neither shall they be born any more, for death and birth have no more dominion over them. -The Gospel of the Holy Twelve: Lection 37, The Regeneration of the Soul: vs. 1-2.


    “So why do people fight anyway? Perhaps the meaning of human existence lies within their will to fight.” - Heero Yuy, from the anime New Mobile Report Gundam Wing



    I grew up fundamentalist methodist. The church I attended/attend suffered from schisms and members dropping out, to the point that for several years there was not even a Bible study after church or on Wednesday.

    But I love to listen to Christian Radio and Conservative commentators, and I want to list some of these not to brag, but just to give you an idea of where I am coming from. Maybe you recognize some of these names:
    1. Ravi Zacharias (a pretty awful tragedy)
    2. Ken Ham
    3. Chip Ingram
    4. Kay Arthur
    5. Chuck Swindall
    6. Chuck Colson,
    7. Dr. David Jeremiah
    8. Johhny Ericson Tada
    9. Dr. D James Kennedy
    10. Adventures in Odyssey
    11. Paws and Tails

    I enjoyed listening to Christian Radio as well, particularly 90.9FM (now known as HIS Radio)

    And I also listened to Sean Hannity and, to a lesser extent, Rush Limbaugh.

    Looking back, I am suppressed by how much of the Bible, and politics, I learned by listening to the radio, which people consider a dying form of media. I also educated myself in apologetics mainly from RZIM and Answers in Genesis. Sadly, I would later learn how anemic the AIG apologetics group was on alleged Bible Contradictions at the time (specifically the Canaanite Problem). That was back in 2010. They have since improved, but in my case it was too late. The damage was already done.


    Growing up, I also faced abusive situations from some others in my life and at school. I was emotionally, spiritually, and, on a few occasions, physically abused. Sometimes it was my fault, sometimes it was not. I am not saying I was an angel, or without fault. But one of my faults was listening to the wrong messages I got from others, and failing to listen to the good messages.

    I also suffered from panic attacks, anxiety attacks, blasphemy fears, etc. I would only later learn that I am Schizoaffective, Autistic, and with Asperger’s Syndrome. With the right help, meds, counseling, and meditation, I have been making progress over the past few years and today I am doing better than ever. I still have my troubles though. I suspect that we all do. As a Christian music artist once wrote: “Ah the truth is we've all got a hole inside us. It’s been that way since Adam fell, but there’s a rumour of a healing, and of all things being well... Only time will tell.” (Only Time Will Tell, by Carolyn Arends). I found comfort in childhood by looking out of the picture window of my house, and feeling the beauty and wonder of endless time and eternity. That was back when eternity was beautiful, and not a nightmare. I also found solace in Stories and in Anime such as Toonami.


    High school was the beginning of one of the most difficult periods of my life. I was determined to do well, and I did, but at a terrible cost. I took AP history and strongly disagreed with the teacher’s politics, especially having us read a chapter of A People’s History of the United States of America on the first day of class... But I was consistently put down by others, and my views were perhaps extreme. The next year I signed up for the International Baccalaureate program, being enrolled in several different college level classes while in my last two years of High School. I stayed up till 3am every night the first year doing homework. Maybe that doesn’t seem so bad, but I was having panic attacks, OCD, and a crisis of faith every day. Many days I skipped eating. In particular, I alternated with the pessimistic, apocalyptic, possibly atheistic notion that the world was going to end soon with the idea of eternity and how eventually, everyone will become bored because they have done everything that there is to do, and yet their life will still go on forever and ever, to the point that people in heaven would ultimately be in a hell worse than those in actual hell, because at least in actual hell the pain would distract them from the meaninglessness of eternity. Some of you may remember, in Mr. JP Holding’s debates with the author of the “Case Against Faith,” that an atheist is mentioned who believed heaven would be boring to the point of torture. Although I am not an atheist, the person he was referring to was me.


    Amazingly, though, I never felt closer to God at that time.The book, “Streams in the Desert, '' and “The Sacred Romance” were a comfort to me during this time. I couldn’t take more solid Christian food. This is especially true of the Good Book. When I read the Bible every verse of judgment and wrath seemed to me to be judging me, and this made me angry because I knew that I could not help all my actions, no matter how hard I tried. And then I knew God would punish me for actions I could not help committing based on a law that He created knowing I couldn’t follow it, and that he could send me to hell because of my unbelief. And to add to all this, if I had died sooner than when I left my faith I would have gone to heaven, but not if I died after my de-conversion. Rupert Hughes echoed this sentiment in his book, “Why I Quit Going to Church.” At this point I could not bring myself to read the Bible, But still I clung to my faith. Because of my knowledge of Young Earth Creationism (YEC) I was allowed an entire class period of my high school IB biology/ecology class to explain YEC as compared to Evolution. A friend who was an atheist, years later told me he was never able to refute my presentation. Eventually I did discover a site (or actually 2) which addressed the Canaanite Question, being Chritian Thinktank and Tektonics. In addition, eventually, I found another apologist, Paul Copan. But again, I felt it was too late, and I did not want to go back. But I wouldn’t let myself go forward either. I finally found a version of the Bible that seemed helpful, the Message Remix 2.0, but by the time I had gotten to David’s later years in 1st Kings, I was so frustrated that I had to put it down. I haven't been able to finish it since then, although I try. I do love Genesis most of all, and I can always get through that book, because it seems that God is trying to stop violence in that book, and does not promote it, as in later books.


    When I began to get better at school and started to have less panic attacks, you would have thought that I would be happy. But I wasn’t. I knew I could not trust myself to act right and I knew God would punish me when I did things wrong. And not only that, but I was afraid I would lose control and hurt people, verbally or otherwise. I may have been selfish, but I still didn’t want to hurt others.


    So, one faithful day, I decided to look into Buddhism, while I was studying in the school library. This was inspired in part by the book The Geography of Thought, which one of my teachers lended me to read, in part because of the anime I have seen which featured it, and in part because it seemed to actually get at changing one’s false beliefs through meditation. At that point, I didn’t think Christianity seemed to have those answers. To quote an atheist/former Christian, “Jesus was never satisfied, and Jesus never satisfied.”


    From that day on I wanted to be of both faiths, Christian and Buddhist. At first this seemed to work, but then I would feel Christ/God pulling me back. And I had to ask myself, why was God silent all this time, even at times when I begged for mercy in tears for Him to help me, forgive me; just as I had seen my mom do to my dad when he threatened to leave us and split off the family. I feel like some of the things that were wrong with my relationship with the Heavenly Parents stems from my Earthly parents. I have, in the past, had a problem with authority, despite trying to be good and humble. I have to wonder if my resistance to authority probably came from my abusive father and dysfunctional family. For example, when I was young I would defend my elderly aunt and grandmother, when other family members might mock their advice, and me for listening to them. This ultimately caused me to take the same attitude, and brought about untold pain for me and the rest of my family.



    I will say that the first and main mistake in High school was not coming out to my classmates and my family about my newfound faith. The second mistake was not facing up to the problems I found within myself and with Christianity and finding the solution based on an unbiased reading of the literature. And I should have sought out a psychiatrist, a psychologist, and a natural medicine doc/homeopath or chiropractor.


    So, as I said, the more that I tried to be both Buddhist and Christian, the more pressure I felt from God to return. But I should have listened. I just did not want to go back to the faith I had left, the one which had, to state my feeling plainly, was a horror show.


    Things actually got worse over time. The more I pulled away, the more dominant the thought that I should return. But I was stubborn, and unwilling to return. I tried to be like Heero Yuy (of Gundam Wing fame), but I misunderstood the (good) values his character represented. I tried to overcome my deteriorating situation, but it just got worse and worse. I was in college but I had to drop out. I started collecting trash, walking backwards, because there was a place inside me that wanted peace. I created a world inside me, and I retreated to it. But even there I didn’t find peace. I would float around, take multiple forms, try to create imaginary friends (which never stayed) and if I did something wrong I had to pause whatever I was doing to “fix” it. In other words, whatever I did “wrong” I had to make right, and if this meant refusing to eat, refusing to change clothes, and being paralyzed with fear, then that is what it had to be. To reiterate, if I did anything “wrong” I had to freeze in time until I made it “right.” The truth is that I likely was punishing myself because I still in my heart believed in God and that He was punishing me. To quote a scene from an adult cartoon show, “...this sad joke we call a life.” This time in my life can be summed up in a few words: “Now all my dreams are nightmares, and all my days are Night.”


    It has been a long road since then, but slowly, I have come back. If not to the fundamentalism I left behind, then at least with new wisdom and respect. Sometimes that means I believe in some unorthodox teachings. I am not going to list them out here, because this is an introduction and I don’t want to make it into a religious debate. But if admins approve, I will answer any question or comment about that in the comments section.


    What I can say about what I believe is that I believe that Jesus is Savior and His resurrection triumphed over death. I also believe in the Dao De Jing, which has many parallels to Christ’s teachings. That is the number one thing that has stopped the torment in my soul.


    Beside a return to my religious convictions, what helped me the most with my mental illness (including the psychological torture and screaming cosmic fear philosopers such as Ayn Rand had spoken of) is the medications that I take. This is pretty surprising, since I read a lot of bad things about psychiatry post 2010. But, in fact, the medications actually opened the door for all of the methods I had tried, unsuccessfully, in the past. Ways that had failed me now began to work for the first time. For instance, the medication opened the way to my ability to use meditation to help myself and others. In particular I used You the Healer and The Ultimate Secrets of Total Self Confidence. Both helped me to banish anxiety producing thoughts and feelings, reduce pain in my body, help me wake up on time, and believe that I can do anything. I’m not trying to sell anything here. Both books are available for free online. I make no money, or any other compensation, from them.


    A close second is the diet that I have adopted. In particular, adopting a potato based, starch based Whole Food Plant Based Diet (WFPBD) helped me to feel better about the small amount of anxiety I felt. I know it may seem extreme, but it is worth it.


    Third, a strong supplement routine helped me to be calmer and to have more energy and stamina. Again, if you want to ask about the specific supplements I take, ask in the comments. I want to help people with my recommendations, but I also don’t want to appear as a salesman, because I am not.


    I’m sorry if it seems I am bragging, but the folks I talk to, including attorneys, psychiatrists, and counselors, say I have tried harder to help myself than most people they talk to. And I think I can be proud of myself for that.


    There are still some issues I struggle with, the main one being, that if I could I would be a Pokemon, or Stitch. I've always wanted to be a robot, or Heero Yuy, or a Pokemon, or Stitch. That is something I have struggled with my whole life. I don’t always feel comfortable in my own skin. Sometimes it makes me wonder if those shows had secret or subliminal messages. I don’t know. I also struggle with perfectionism. I have to get things “just right.” You may have noticed in this introduction post, that I start out brief and then get more and more comprehensive. I sometimes struggle in what I write at first, and then more and more ideas come and I feel I have to share them. Sometimes I also wish I had tried to serve my country, because believe it or not I can be very thorough, can listen to orders (before I had trouble with this), can take physical and emotional conditioning, and because I have always wanted to fight for what is right.


    But I believe in myself, I believe in God, and I believe in Christ as Savior, whose death and resurrection overcame death. And, like a shooting star, I want to give everything I have to my heavenly Parents, to burn and wear out for them. I await the glorious consummation of creation, which began from time immemorial and will lead to endless bliss. And finally, let me listen, once again, to the silence which speaks of things hidden since the foundation of the world, and of the Rabbi’s heartbeat.


    “The Rabbi’s Heart

    It will be broken,

    To finally break the

    Fallen curse,

    And the stillness of that Heart

    Was felt, throughout the Universe

    And then they’ll find the faith to Listen

    And new hope to make a Start

    And they'll hear the sacred silence of

    The beat of the Rabbi’s

    Heart.



    “Let me burn out for Thee, dear Lord,

    Burn and wear out for Thee.

    Don't let me rust, or my life

    Be a failure, my God to Thee.

    Use me and all I have, dear Lord,

    And get me so close to Thee

    That I feel the throb of the great heart of God,

    Until I burn out for Thee.”


    “Anything comes what may, don’t look back, forget yesterday... Don’t matter where you've been, you're here for a reason.” -Where You Belong, Kari Kimmel


    “Believe in Yourself. Create your own Destiny. Don’t fear failure.” -Tom of Toonami fame, quoting “Outlaw Star.”


    CHRIST said: Love your enemies

    CHRIST’s enemy was SATAN,

    And SATAN’s enemy was CHRIST

    Through Love enmity is destroyed.

    Through Love saint and sinner destroy the enmity between them

    Through Love CHRIST and SATAN

    Have destroyed Their enmity

    And

    Have come together for the End;

    CHRIST to Judge, SATAN to execute

    The Judgement:

    The Judgment is Wisdom,

    The execution of the Judgment

    Is Love. (Exit: Process Church of the Final Judgment.


    We are all apart of a never ending story, and the beginning and end of that story is love.




    .
















  • #2
    uh. no.

    Comment


    • #3
      Originally posted by Sparko View Post
      uh. no.
      Hey Sparko,

      Thank you for responding to my story, even if it is just a brief statement. I wrote a lot and maybe it is a little overwhelming to respond to it all (or any of it). And though I did not try to be offensive, perhaps some of what I said was offensive. I am sorry about that. I see you describe yourself as a Troll Magnet: that's cool. I don't mind that. Im always up for a feisty but polite discussion.

      If you want, you can scroll through the post again and maybe pick out a few things you like or dislike and we can talk about them.

      If not, then that is OK as well. Thanks for leaving your comment.

      God bless.

      -Heero

      Comment


      • #4
        Originally posted by Heero Yuy View Post

        Hey Sparko,

        Thank you for responding to my story, even if it is just a brief statement. I wrote a lot and maybe it is a little overwhelming to respond to it all (or any of it). And though I did not try to be offensive, perhaps some of what I said was offensive. I am sorry about that. I see you describe yourself as a Troll Magnet: that's cool. I don't mind that. Im always up for a feisty but polite discussion.

        If you want, you can scroll through the post again and maybe pick out a few things you like or dislike and we can talk about them.

        If not, then that is OK as well. Thanks for leaving your comment.

        God bless.

        -Heero
        yes it was a lot, but I skimmed over it. It seems to me that you are trying to make up your own "story" instead of just believing what the bible teaches. Especially the bit about Jesus and Satan working together. That is plain heresy. Jesus is God. Satan is a fallen angel who will be punished in hell for eternity.

        Comment


        • #5
          Originally posted by Sparko View Post

          yes it was a lot, but I skimmed over it. It seems to me that you are trying to make up your own "story" instead of just believing what the bible teaches. Especially the bit about Jesus and Satan working together. That is plain heresy. Jesus is God. Satan is a fallen angel who will be punished in hell for eternity.
          Thanks for your honest response, and for being polite but firm.

          It is true, I am trying to create my own story, but that would be true even if I believed everything about the Bible that you do. We are all apart of a Never Ending Story, written in the ink of our relationship and interaction to the Heavenly Parent and ourselves. We are each an infinite. And as Dr. Carl Jung noted, "We each meet ourselves time and time again in a thousand disguises on the path of life." And ultimately all the lost sheep will come home in the Glorious consummation of creation. If God doesn't do this, then I can only see the following: "Is not Jehovah the lesser, feebler god, since Satan wins infinitely more victories and prisoners, and constantly makes Christ's sacrifice a failure, according to the admissions of the Christians?" No, God is not feebler, because ultimately he saves all.


          My problems with the Bibles are just that, problems. They are issues that make it hard for me to believe "what the Bible teaches." They are not my attempt to do whatever I want or create my own story by way of rejecting the Holy Bible. No, the traditional interpretations of the Bible are the problem. If you believe some of what I say that the Bible teaches, then it is hard for me to see how you yourself can believe it.

          "That's Heresy..."

          Yea, I was worried about posting that because I knew that it would provoke disgust for the majority of Christians, and believe it or not I find no pleasure in that. Plus, why have a debate about something that I am not even certain is true?

          But It remains true that Love conquers all, and that through Love enmity and hatred is destroyed. Our humanity can be our own worst enemy, and Satan is a reflection of that hatred. But he is not the real enemy. We are. We chose whether or not to listen to him, to give in to our baser instincts. It is up to us to make the right choice.

          "Jesus is God."

          The Trinity is a difficult subject. In particular I remember reading Lee Strobel's interview with a theologian on the subject, and coming to the conclusion that it would be hard to pin down the meaning of the Trinity in our language. But I do believe in the Trinity myself: Father, Mother, and Child.


          But regardless, if Jesus is God he could still forgive and use Satan. He could even use Satan's evil intentions and turn them for good.

          Having said all of that, I am not sure if maybe you are correct about these beliefs being false. My main purpose in sharing that poem, was because it has affected how I think. Maybe I am wrong. I am willing to admit that and change my thinking.

          Sorry for the long post. I definitely need to consider what you are saying. I hope that you will not focus only on this one issue, and not deal with anything else I have to say. But that is your right and I respect it.

          I am sorry if I was rude or didn't make sense. I will try in future posts to be more succinct and more willing to listen.

          -Heero



          Comment


          • #6
            Originally posted by Heero Yuy View Post

            Thanks for your honest response, and for being polite but firm.

            It is true, I am trying to create my own story, but that would be true even if I believed everything about the Bible that you do. We are all apart of a Never Ending Story, written in the ink of our relationship and interaction to the Heavenly Parent and ourselves. We are each an infinite. And as Dr. Carl Jung noted, "We each meet ourselves time and time again in a thousand disguises on the path of life." And ultimately all the lost sheep will come home in the Glorious consummation of creation. If God doesn't do this, then I can only see the following: "Is not Jehovah the lesser, feebler god, since Satan wins infinitely more victories and prisoners, and constantly makes Christ's sacrifice a failure, according to the admissions of the Christians?" No, God is not feebler, because ultimately he saves all.


            My problems with the Bibles are just that, problems. They are issues that make it hard for me to believe "what the Bible teaches." They are not my attempt to do whatever I want or create my own story by way of rejecting the Holy Bible. No, the traditional interpretations of the Bible are the problem. If you believe some of what I say that the Bible teaches, then it is hard for me to see how you yourself can believe it.

            "That's Heresy..."

            Yea, I was worried about posting that because I knew that it would provoke disgust for the majority of Christians, and believe it or not I find no pleasure in that. Plus, why have a debate about something that I am not even certain is true?

            But It remains true that Love conquers all, and that through Love enmity and hatred is destroyed. Our humanity can be our own worst enemy, and Satan is a reflection of that hatred. But he is not the real enemy. We are. We chose whether or not to listen to him, to give in to our baser instincts. It is up to us to make the right choice.

            "Jesus is God."

            The Trinity is a difficult subject. In particular I remember reading Lee Strobel's interview with a theologian on the subject, and coming to the conclusion that it would be hard to pin down the meaning of the Trinity in our language. But I do believe in the Trinity myself: Father, Mother, and Child.


            But regardless, if Jesus is God he could still forgive and use Satan. He could even use Satan's evil intentions and turn them for good.

            Having said all of that, I am not sure if maybe you are correct about these beliefs being false. My main purpose in sharing that poem, was because it has affected how I think. Maybe I am wrong. I am willing to admit that and change my thinking.

            Sorry for the long post. I definitely need to consider what you are saying. I hope that you will not focus only on this one issue, and not deal with anything else I have to say. But that is your right and I respect it.

            I am sorry if I was rude or didn't make sense. I will try in future posts to be more succinct and more willing to listen.

            -Heero


            Just read the bible, Heero. Start to finish.

            I had many doubts about various teachings when I first became a Christians, even the trinity. So I sat down and just read the bible all the way through (I admit I skimmed through many of the genealogy lists, who begat who, and through the proverbs) and it all started to make sense.


            Comment


            • #7
              Originally posted by Heero Yuy View Post





              The Trinity is a difficult subject. In particular I remember reading Lee Strobel's interview with a theologian on the subject, and coming to the conclusion that it would be hard to pin down the meaning of the Trinity in our language. But I do believe in the Trinity myself: Father, Mother, and Child.
              I think I'm starting to see a slight problem.


              I'm always still in trouble again

              "You're by far the worst poster on TWeb" and "TWeb's biggest liar" --starlight (the guy who says Stalin was a right-winger)
              "Of course, human life begins at fertilization thatís not the argument." --Tassman

              Comment


              • #8
                Originally posted by rogue06 View Post

                I think I'm starting to see a slight problem.
                That, and some preconceived notions of what God must do in order to not be "feebler/lesser". While Jung has some interesting insights, he was no theologian.

                Comment

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