5-Word Story Compilation Thread

[The Melody Maker]

For those looking at this thread for the first time, it contains the compilation of the posts that people have made in the ever-going 5-Word Story thread. As this thread's first page consisted of the entirety of chapter 1, this post begins chapter 2.

Resuming with posts #4433-4670...


It was a dark and stormy knight who rode his tired old trusty steed named Triggered (formerly known as "Snowflake") in search of safe spaces where there's land, lotsa land, and a cowboy needs a bunch of stuff that knights of the round table often did.


Silly dances atop tables hoped men with dollar bills all lined up to donate a kidney to prevent the Liverpool Heart Association brain trust from running out of coffee for National Insomnia Awareness Day with guest speaker Freddie Krueger of Bogeyman and the Babadooks featuring Baba Yaga and the Baba Looey as the bandaged Buckaroo Banzai and the Hong Kong Phooie's Phooeymobile which can transform into an aardvark when they twitch their nose like Jeannie the genie and her friend Samantha Stevens, the witch and classmate of Sabrina, who was smuggling waffles into Siberia in exchange for muffins from the Muffin Man on Drury Lan Industries' evil Board of Fleet Street barbers named Sweeney Todd's Toddler Brigade, scourage of kindergartens and nursery schools from Addis Ababa to Zanzibar by way of Aluquerque via Toledo's famous Intergalactic Paper Clip Museum used as a cover for interstellar trade in priceless lint sculptures crafted by blind lycanthropic yetis in the awful sweatshops of ALF's shaggy armpits.


Naturally, this undercut roguetech's "Executive" range of personalized alpaca trainers designed to harness the true power of bacon when crisped to perfection according to the pre-war calendar established after Bacon's Rebellion became too much for the Shock for Spock's stock picks so he had to resort to Vulcan mind-melds with hive-minded swarms to sneak a peek into Wal-Mart's Grand Opening in Tacoma, Washington with Tom Tuttle and the Toupes triplets tangoing to tantalizing tenor tremolos, 'til tacos and tamales became one gigantic amorphous mass that threatened and, more importantly, triggered the Butter Mountain Landslide of 2024 and the Boston Molasses Flood requiring the Pancake Tower of Pizza to shed a few waffles during the Maple Syrup Season, in which marshmallows are ruthlessly rounded up and ripened in Gatorade and whisky to appease the femme fatales in Yosemite Sam's favourite bar and feed store where ammunition can be used to barter for pallets and pallets of bacon.


If neither that rogue fella nor stenchy pegged leg pyro-ate absconded with all the booty (and the bacon as well), the town's anti-rogue and anti-pirate suggestions typically failed miserably causing Karen to write sternly-worded letters to former managers merely to have them shredded without reading War and Peace in an hour, thoroughly disappointing their English Bulldog familiars and vexing all the children being fattened in an attempt to make them tastier and easier to catch, unless they use skateboards and steam-powered pogo sticks which tend to overshoot their targets by leaps and bounds leading to broken windows, promises and ceramic elephant pottery cluttering every nook and cranny.


Sealing the ceiling with sealant sealed the baby seal's doom in the Ceylon sea lane to Seattle's Seelie Court so Lucille could see Lucy's unseelie and unseemly collection of cheese sprites, who she lured in Seven Up-scale members of society with the offer of pre-grated and graded great Grateful Dead grey teddy bears, holding discombobulated the already stupefied strangers from witnessing Rogue clipping his toenails with hedge trimmers along with rocket-propelled chainsaws with depleted uranium blades personally autographed by the Anti-Knife League of Pittsburgh Penguins, whose "blades" are on their belly board skillet combos used to scrape ice off the Hoboken sauna and rabbit fur-lined and goose feather filled compost pile with a massage by rabid tigers with bad acne whose Acme wholesale business of selling pre-owned water-front warehouses is underwater.


As the ball thoroughly tangled into Abe Sapien's hairy highbrow puppets of Henderson Junior High School's mascot, Harry Horatio Hinxley-Hornblower XXXIV, emulated Hubert Horatio Humphrey's hideous hirsute pathetic people of Space General, prompting General Space of the lightsaber and Wookie hot wax consortium after retiring as reigning curling iron juggling runner-up for Miss Congeniality award at the Texas Gun Show in Paris, Idaho's biannual tricentennial luau that went vegan over the objections of those with any sense of taste.


Catastrophically, this was also the moment when Wendall the Manatee was transitioning from being a dugong to an interdimensional combat specialist via mail-order lessons arriving in reverse order, causing incredible hilarity to break out among the natives, throwing their heads back and forth laughing at the Kung-Fu fighting that practically predicated a panda pandemonium quizzically questioning questing Quebecois quislings rightfully rousted roughly from ragged sushi support sashay sashimi topping tumultuous trends twixt toppling unusually undulating underling umbrellas upon voluptuous vixen's vexingly vacant vaults while waxing wyverns wane woefully to xanthic xeric xanthations excreted yellow yeti youth yoyos yelling "Zounds! We zonked out zanily!"


On the dark and stormy surface of planet Kolob, the Knights of the Round Table wondered if square tables would mind being called Hector Ticklebottom by the Knights' dinner table dancers, Ethel and Gertrude, who were previously Ernie and Gary, which Sir Yvain the Bastard suspected was due to the jousting accident in which both took each other's eye out, just as their mothers warned, and lost their dress sense since all of the cents had strange cents, since sincerely sent science sentences seemed sufficient to tantalize turquoise turban truckers upon unequivocally undermining Uzbekistani undertakers causing the alliteration police to overload their mobile lyrical inhibitor during the rounding up of rogue vocabulary that didn't conform to Rogue's strict coolness quotient and argyle sock knitter which lived under the nearby bridge in an old refrigerator box that Sparko used to pretend was a mighty ship of fools.


As flocks of brants swarmed the decks, they ate eight aight hating aides aiding by baguettes bobbing beside boilerplate cicadas chirping ceaselessly, causing consternation, causing the alliteration police to pass sentence, ending the sentence.


Meanwhile, on the other side of the tracks, Riff Raff was plotting to stop Underdog's above board demeanor with below-the-belt dastardly devious devilty, done deceptively, even evilly, eschewing every excellent fair fares for fair females.


Great going, getting governor gals hired for higher hoarse horses in Indeliable Indian Ink Incorporated's just jerking jackalopes, joining jam karaoke kangaroos karate-kicking Korean kimono-wearing lazy lay-about lavender llamas languishing morosely, minding miniature mouse mansions needing needles needlessly naming neeks.


"Overly ornery orthoptera occluding ornate putti ponderously prancing past pansies?" queried Quincy the Queen Quaker.


Rakishly, relentless rascals ran roughshod sideways sane skids, swapping squash to titillate the trembling troglodytes ululating uvulas undergoing ulterior undulations verily vexing vivacious Venusian vixens wantonly waiting while wily warmhearted xenophobes Xeroxed the xylophones.


"Xeriouxly?" young Yolanda yawned. "You're your zealous zebra zeroed zesty zeniths antithesis. And Auntie Annabelle always boisterously breaks big blue buckets containing crabby crustaceans completely covering dainty daisy-print delft-ware dishes donated enthusiastically every eleventh evening except for frosty Fridays in February gaining great gumption, given Gladys hauled hangers to hangars' halls in irreplaceable illicit indigenous intimates."


Junky junkie's jean jock-straps just know Kentucky's kickboxing kangaroos keep lackadaisical lessons lessening latter ladders making mummified Montanans.


Mumbling morosely nixed Nick's naval nun's navels over overly obstinate ostriches' objections pertaining to past passed pale pails queued for quarts of quartz really right report, read rapidly.



I figure one more post ought to finish off the last of the current batch; will be coming shortly.

[The Melody Maker]

Posts #4434-4943...


Swirling suddenly, Sally salaciously said "To the Tutu Tubes! Take underwear to urgently undo undue Vivacious Velociraptors Volume V vouchers for wailing whale from Wales xenophobically Xeroxing xenomorph xylophone X-rays your yacking yaks of yore zealously zeroed zapping zimbabwean zebras!" all leading MelMak to sob, not so much as laugh.


Through the tears, it caused Sparko to consume his comfort bacon, causing pork futures to collapse into singularities, as the prophecy bears fruit, namely fruity bears, that fairy brutes pair cute berries barely buried in Barry's fairly airy Derry Cherry ferry which the Blue Meanies confiscated for rhyming too much.


Coincidentally, MelMak is MIA from updating his pet moose's Instagram account hacked by disgruntled polar bears who hoped to capitalize on being fired by Coca-Cola for the lack of pigment in the Pigalle pigeons and piglets who made the beautiful bacon out to seduce your mouth with its wantonly delicious crispiness, just before the Spanish Inquisition broke all the rules concerning proper bacon curing and warfare, triggering Bacon's Rebellion, the turning point in the great Condiment Conflict caused by the Molasses Flood and swarm tactics employed by isolated single libertarians seeking autonomy and long walks in the minefields where dancing is often unintentionally dynamic and explosively passionate, especially when Tchaikovsky's 1812 Overture was enhanced with depleted uranium plucked from the eyebrows of Mechagodzilla's upgraded cousin, Darth Mothra.


Obviously, Atom Ant became perturbed when roguetech outsourced their pacifier and whoopee cushion facility to Professor Von Gimmick for plausible deniability for any upcoming mysterious planet-shattering vibrations emanating from roguetech uber-bass speakers dialed to 11, used as the doorbell system for the Addams Family's summer retreat from sanity (which is, according to the cat-scientist Myšpulín, terribly overrated, since what sane cat wears purple bowties?)


Every self-respecting feline wears a top hat and monocle while pretentiously dismembering the poor grammar of Yoda, resulting in some forceful feedback, folding fussy fluffy filibusters against agile aged agrarians agitating beyond boisterously, bringing bedraggled bedsheets misidentified as spectral spooks and expectorant crooks, whose pectoral looks instigated sophisticated vindication of nictitating fangirls wolf-whistling and whooping up the unexpected appearance of the Grinch and his equally glamorous paramour, Cruella de Ville, who was spotted in a delightful spotted gown enjoying a spot of spotted dick while her favorite nightspot served speckled trout and her spotify playlist reached SpotemGottem's spontaneous spinach sponges causing monocles to fall from faces of stodgy old clocks facing facsimiles of finicky female Filipina fajita fanatics fatalistically fomenting fights for freshly filtered fermented frog freckles.


Naturally, Asterix and Obelix took some to Getafix so Calvin and Hobbes would loan them the rules to Calvinball which actually don't exist, so major disappointment is imminent, leading to threats of vuvuzela concerts and bagpipe harmonica duet reprisals for the musical atrocity that is Cats 2: The Neutering of Garfield, which Scooby-Doo bought on pay-per-view for the princely sum of 3 Bitcoins soaked in rum and sauteed with pickled pirate perspiration gathered from the Pirates Who Don't Do Anything and yet sweat fretfully over the cost of armchair generals and Monday morning quarterbacks and back seat drivers from Truth or Consequences, New Mexico, who always missed the leftover radish stew Iron Man left with the right potato left in the sock drawer to the Left Twixt factory in Outer Mongolia's most exclusive nightclub, The "Khanstantinople".


It khaused khanfusion and khansternation in khansiderate Khanadian khantestants khancentrating on the Genghis gang's gains in mare's milk stock options paid in S&G Green Stamps, made of real Soylent Green Berets leftover MREs, which, frankly, are much worse than they smell, and the smell could pickle gherkins at 500 yards, making those with anosmia very much in demand at the local meet-and-greets at Meat Fumigators Inc., a subsidary of Sirius Cybernetics Corp., a wholly owned subsidiary of Beeblebrow Biological, which is owned by MomCorp.


Sensing a great disturbance in the tapioca pudding statue of Muad'dib, the Bene Gesserit Kindergarten Mafia and clown posse were distraught over the misshapen left nostril. Fresh Prince of Belair sought a fresh eagle.


Manwe Sulimo, Varda, and Bullwinkle jointly employed psychohistory to prevent George Lucas from giving Disney's Inspector Gadget's hat to Agatha Heterodyne's Jägers, which Steamboy snatched as he dodged the teeth and claws of the dodgy Claude Keith "Log Lord" Accord, chief accordion player for the left-handed musical butchers of Kathmandu, known for yodeling marriage proposals in the original Klingon, provoking violent ear-tugging among Ferengi and Dumbo owners, sparking a revolt among flea circus aficionados who also waved their pinkies menacingly at Captain Underpants who sneered back, failing to notice the talking Worms (Annelids) drinking coffee through the frozen husks of perfumed Tauntaun matriarchs dangling from a grotesque chandelier of earwax lovingly crafted by dainty ogres with thermonuclear ballistas for threading Tatooine's "Eye of the Needle" to deliver pizza on time to Teenage Mutant Ninja Wookies.


Their penchant for kiwi fruit, due to startling similar coiffures, profoundly disturbed the psychotic barbers of Fleet Street led by Weenie McOdd, definitely no relation to Penny Dreadful, pulp heiress and poison ivy corset magnate Pamela Lillian Isley, or "P.L."


But in order to do her lion taming act, she needed to pluck the eyebrow of the cyclopean potato, known by the lesser known acronym "OEPH" (One-Eyed Potato Head), who forcefully objected by grating graded grapes, which ain't easy to do with a collander and a reciprocating saw that is powered by a waterfall that flow uphill because of global warming, obviously.


Or was it part of a fiendish, yet overly elaborate plan to construct a mousetrap to trap a T-Rex and then bribe the mice to mock its haircut and choice of matching hat and boots, which were soooo Paleozoic? I mean, honestly, Ankylosaurs ankle boots? That's what trilobites wear to dinner dates with ammonites lasting all night, talking about nothing but fossilized bacon -- and who wouldn't? Naturally, the fossilization process detracts from the taste but increases crispiness over 10000%.


"I'll allow it, if I can use my sombrero to hold the garlic cloves to ward off vampiric fangirls of Darth Dracula," known for drinking only non-fattening blood and getting a healthy workout of cardiovascular fitness training, which is ripping out twenty werewolf hearts using silver chop sticks and specifically enchanted adamantine dental floss dusted with vibranium chips and dipped in pure dilithium syrup.


It gave Pizza the Hutt indigestion, which was better than what the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles got from the "special blend" -- oregano and parsley pizzas which made them see bodacious halos and radical trails, causing Shredder to shred a totally tubular bells song during a remix of a Christmas medley arranged by the Rowdy Ruff Boyz in 74-part harmony with the Beluga Whale Orchestra and Ballet, whose positronic net control system interconnected with the field-programmable quasi-orthogonal resonance modalities that enabled quantrum-destabilized primary multi-spatial harmonizers to obtain a superpositional state with Arlong's castanet-like dentures when synched with Q's personal mariachi band set to withstand Luddite intrusions into his flowery speeches on Winnie-the-Pooh vs. Paddington Bear in a volcano wrestling match on pay-per-view broadcast by blimps cruising at 164,000 feet in the Venusian early morning sky.


The view was somewhat obscured by the flatulent flamingos flying circles around Venus' Trump Tower, only 2000 stories "yuuuger" than the rival Bezos Bungalow, which tragically sank his fangs into the battleship Yamato, triggering its main guns to fire at the Gamilas starting yet another fiery but spectacular re-entry from orbit after the recoil threw them back into the waiting arms of their most notorious stalker, Inigo Doomstrider, known to his friends as Doomy McDoomface after an apocalyptic level flea bit caused his nose to swell up like the Hindenburg moments before its fiery but mostly gaseous New Jersey debut, leading Dumbo to go fly a kite.


Mary Poppins invoked the Agamemnon curse, adversely affecting Achille's heel hook as he attempted to scale Olympus Mons with only some nail clippers and a used strand of dental floss which he later used to hornswaggle Yosemite Sam outta his favorite harmonica which he won by cheatin' fair and square in a highlander terrapin race, while wearing kilts naturally, twirling baton-shaped mustaches into dimensional vortexes containing a multi post compilation!


And that's all for now, until next time. Will try not to fall behind again.

[The Melody Maker]

Posts #4944-5416...

The stunned crowd sat stunned -- Fred missed the fire truck and fought crime with Dynomutt, instigating said stunned crowd to murmur Murmanskian mutterings to the sweet deaf feline, Murphell MacPuff. This brought an iron tear to my glass eye, which caused Baby Ruth to snicker at my glass eye, which led to a déjŕ vu -- Fred missed the fire truck. Nonplussed, the Katzenjammer Kids continued their run-on sentences into infinity and beyond!

Sneezing, kindly Professor McHoldmybeer performed a quintuple gainer into the ball pit at the edge of the universe -- not to be confused with the end of the universe, named after the restaurant there whose evening entertainment consisted of Orion slave girls wearing Tribbles performing Vogon interpretative dance to false preachers speaking in "tongues, which was actully Pig Latin, or OBP's native tongue, for R2-D2's phone number (867-5309), which I called mistakenly?" complained Fred.

Wilma didn't buy it and left it at the store, next to the used Betamax toilet paper recycled by Californian cuckoo birds from Hollyweird and used to feed vegan activists who ate raw steaks because they'd lose weight faster.

"Horrors!" exclaimed the Mentats in unison as their doilies were misaligned by the Stepford Wives who looked eerily like Portland Antifa Winnie the Pooh outifts that avert the male gaze by having Xi Jinping's face transposed onto the chubby cheeks of Eeyore the donkey's rump which did nothing for his ongoing feud with the Orcs.

"One sentence exceeding 1024 characters?!" With that notice about slacking, everyone got to work on creating an ultra-mega-super-hyper-stupendo-fantastico-fragilistic-enormously long hyphenated run-on word, to which Melmak responded, "Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaargh !" which Garfield mistook for the Bards Who Sing Woe. "Whoa!" exclaimed Joey Russo, as he played a piccolo. (That's talent.) Undeterred, the Beagle Boys proceeded to preach a sermon to Sammy Salmon's Sammich Shop patrons accompanied by a timpani.

Sympathetically, the dawn prawn swarm stormed the Pirates of the Caribbean ride at Doofenschmirtzworld in Eastern Madripoor, next to the Walmart Ball Pit of Doom, otherwise known as Peewee's Playhouse -- complete with tuba players. The portal technology that roguetech boffins developed only proved to intensify the need for mossy to PIN™ rogue. The pirate joined in.

Both failed -- 'orribly. Which, coincidentally, caused the Fire Nation to begin a week long rendition of the Barney Theme in Swedish, accompanied by ABBA bellowing out their famous phrase: "Yabba Dabba Doo!" causing Scooby-Doo to file for patent infringement, until Hanna-Barbera pointed out that dog lawyers are easily distracted by dog whistles whistling Dixie Chicks songs that DJs refuse to play in traffic.

"Do I know you?" Joe Biden asked as he started sniffing his fizzy cola close up, and saw his reflection in the dancing chainsaw juggler's glass eye, which had fallen out after Gadget Hackwrench accidentally used a box cutter.

The box was full of marbles, which rolled all over the floor nipping at the heels of Lillputian high-heeled tightrope walking cloggers tragically starting a Conga line of stilt-walking hula hoop-wearing Hobbits burninated by Smaug. They rejoiced, since the fire also crisped bacon like it was before Narnia discovered it as food.

Aslan, naturally, knew it all along and he grew some more as Bunyan's Pilgrim Progressed from Interpreter's storeroom to the barbeque heretics in Dante's Dis on pork curing techniques for the Roman Curia to tastily tempt Tess. She lifted him over Bonnie Braids' crib in a vat of FOOF that roguetech trainees mistook for Jell-O shots, but he jumped out when it tickled him.

Ticked off about the Great Therefore Of, rather than the What Not, the world imploded upon itself when Melmak divided by zero in yet another ridiculous segue.

The new CEO of Segway, the Boogie Woogie Bugle Boy, fell asleep while playing his Stroviol while wrestling an alligator for control of the remote game pass to catch Pokémon in the very act of swallowing an oboe!

He sounded a sorrowful note when Cher caught him, bringing to attention his unreturned library book -- the long lost Aristotle's book on How to Catch a Pokémon.

Mr. Ed called The Mule to do his dirty work, stealing Addison's apples when he gave a lecture on the flaws of Hari Seldon's psychohistory, the VIC-20 being an example, causing Twiki to tweak "Grandpa!" -- which reminded us of Jed who CP made me miss but is okay because he is there waiting with our Saviour. He then rejoiced: "Yippee!"

As he pointed to all the spoiled milk, he smelled the daisies before pointing out that rhinoceroses don't have lawyers who can tap dance in a padded room.

No sound escaped from the screaming meemies since they were kept in a beer-barrel polka accordion recital who were filling in for Hurricane and Henrietta Hippo's roller derby and minefield tap dancing conga lines, sponsored by Cocoa-Cola and roguetech's Prosthetic Limb Warehouse for Cephalopods, a tax dodge based in Kathmandu's delightful Mongol army, a.k.a. "the Horde," although Mulan did not approve.

She opened Disneyland's gates to infinity and beyond, to Tim Allen's Zoom, which never took off the launch pad because he picked a bad movie to praise the Eagles of Manwë.

Without warning the tides turned and the Purexes were jealous. Although they Cheered the Gains of Fabuloso Mr. Clean, they knew the Joy the Comet of Pink Stuff experienced as a Pledge to Shout out at the Sunlight to Finish.

The bacon, that rogue liberated from the dungeons of Angband whence came the putrid smell of the corruption of Morgoth, did not prevail against bacon being a blessing of the Valar and so he enticed Shelob into a pyramid scheme run by the bacon cartel, which unbeknownst to Sparko was beholden to the Royal Navy's anti-pirate bath salts distributor, which failed to file the proper forms due to much needed punctuation.

Although apostrophes are too possessive, questions were raised about marks and semi-colons were sentenced to a run-on sentence punctuated by the great exclamation of "Therefore!"

"Nevermore," quoth the Raven back to counter the ever more Eveready Forever War clones sent by the clever four wizards all named... Tim. This caused confusion to the player, who timed his timpani to the Limping Dimpled Chimp Blimp which, simply put, inadvertently reset the matrix. Not since Johnny Henshaw-Jacobs unplugged his guitar was there such a howling of despair among banshees from Brookhaven (where the brook had a haven).

Books about brooks in heaven were cooks of unleavened bread heading down the Yellow Brick Road to the local Walmart, where the train to Hogwarts runs into a wall.

In the mess hall of the USS Redundance, raising concern in Narnia, Aslan rewrote the Deep Magic to allow for slight of hand but only for making rabbits stop eating Trix cereal because it's so bad for their feet when the Leprechaun wants to crush the rainbow narrative and replace it with traditional green eggs and ham supplied to Sam and a great big roast T-rex with barbecue sauce, since they have massive drumsticks, though they're in short supply sitting on container ships behind intergalactic battlecruisers on their way to the Borg's intergalactic picnic where VAST quantities of bacon ended the war.

How? Answers on a postcard to 23 nations gave a clue for the first hint to the location of the fortress defending the Lollipop Guild's sooper secret instruction manual for building an automatic pickle gun modeled on DaVinci's burger-period invention, but with exhaust ports for the excessive buildup of putrid, nauseating and disturbingly delicious pulsating pastries from Pizza the Hutt's private stash of Greliran's mostly-organic neo-Earth loaf that he made loafers from while waiting for his grav-boots to come back from the cosmic cobblers who also provide peach cobbler as a snack for sarcastic satyrs sneaking amongst the notable Nottingham Knitting Network full of nattering ninnies who nerf nanoknights who say "Ni!" which upset the ever watchful sellers of genuine Rolex watches using sundials and hourglasses to make them more likely to have the correct time.

Hearing a sigh of relief, the run-on sentence rested. "Choose the form of the Destructor," Gozer's father, Geezer the Geezer, his auntie, Fiza the Freezer, and Frieza, who was busy appeasing Wheezing Ebenezer from Eben-Ezer, said.

"What programming language?" replied MODOC as he started reprogramming his anti-gravity high chair to do the macarena whenever someone tickles Doctor Doom's fancy little komodo dragon with his feather boa constrictor made of pimento soaked in rum and glazed in bacon grease, leading to hordes of pirates descending on Chuck E. Cheese's creepy automatronic demanding REAL bacon -- crispy like Jed liked it, not limp or floppy, but nice and pre-war crispy, but never burnt -- with a huge side of bacon topped with bacon and bacon wrapped bacon piled high with bacon salad consisting of bacon strips and bits covered in dark chocolate.

The coffee is swill and deserves tossing; it's mainly there for show.

The show was scheduled for the first full moon after the first Sunday after spring cleaning was over for the season, signaling the beginning of summer scrubbing, polishing, sewing and knitting full body bathing suits because La Tomatina was coming and this requires the very finest handmade handmaiden's handcrafted "handshake handbooks" handily powering the contraption!

"What contraption?" Canadians having conniptions cried harmoniously despite being tone deaf, resulting in tonsure haircuts for Galactus' Cthulhu clone, Reginald.

Together, they pruned the hedges of many a shrubbery for certain knights of certain villages in Mexico where luchadores can run free but walking costs an Arm and Hammer baking soda supply ration.

Producing a global shortage and supply chain crisis causing Bill Gates to giggle uncontrollably whenever someone mispronounces Buttigieg's name is an unforgivable abomination worthy of the sickest of freaks cooking chicken fricassee while picking and a-grinning as they danced the Watusi wearing grass skirts and straw hats.

Suddenly, strawmen in grass hats invaded glass houses, stones in hand -- crispy like before the war!

Where they got crispy rocks, they also got creamy scissors they used to cut paper coffee filters used as fertilizer for Italy's famous spaghetti trees confiscated by the Spanish inquisition during the Portuguese Pointed Query and the English raised eyebrow over soggy crumpets crammed carelessly into VCR slots made for grilled cheese sandwiches lovingly glazed with bacon grease and drooled upon by appreciative hungry Hungarian horse-hippo hybrids hurriedly haggling Hippogriffs for cheap flying lessons since Buzz Lightyear was unavailable from Friday to infinity and Chuck Norris just finished counting electronic sheep dreaming of androids who failed their Voight-Kampff test using phony Venn diagrams which equated being Swiss with loving to yodel.

This, naturally, led to the Sonic Cheese Incident of 1956, when cheese wheels were stopped by a TARDIS-driving Red Lectroids with Lemuel Gulliver overseeing them (quite literally).

Suddenly, a dark and stormy knight brought a sparking warning light to Sir Loin, who's surely surly, attracting light and sunny princesses giggling, "What's the hubbub, bub?"

The knight was highly pleased that Sir Cumference was well-rounded to zero by the steamroller cowardly operated by Sir Render as Sir Valance, Sir Repetitious and Sir Endipity the Greedy.

All claimed to have been around Sir Cling when he certified Sir Perior's circumvention of Sir Plus' redundant department of Circumstantial Circumstances that Sir Pent and Sir Cuss' performing lion caused Sir Ken Schism's unfortunate accident involving the Round Table and a folding chair.

This convinced Sir Tenley that it (Camelot) was a silly place but not as silly as certain walks seen in London in need of government grants to renew the funding of incandescent rodents masquerading as Christmas decorations for tin roof tap-dancing elephants suffering from severe athlete's foot.

"That's serious!" cried Unicorn farriers furiously as they nervously eyed Lily, who dared to touch the guilty Guild's gilded lily -- thus plunging the world into a panda-themed pandemonium of cacophonous iridescent Kazon.

"Yippee!" Tom Paris shouted at Jack, while Lily started to hum Silurian jazz softly. Thus came the legend -- the "Velvet Fog", Mel Tormé called it as he programmed Marvin the Martian's Space Modulator.

"Are you Sir E. Uss?" the Vuja de envoy queried. Then suddenly, without warning, a melodious explosion was heard! Melody blushed deeply as the excused her mother's piano piece practicing.

Ralph and Potsie smirked as Tess lifted them effortlessly over and above the call of Melody's insistence to stop it -- to which Isildur replied, "No."

The Achy Joints Club assembled achy breaky hearts along with the local Piggly-Wiggly's famous home-made thermonuclear McMuffin toaster with extra radiation on the side. Doctor Manhattan gives it five thumbs up!

Rumored endorsements from the Hypnotoad are pure speculation at this point given his betrothal to the damsel he has enslaved to the "rhythm of the night, oh yeah" (as dubstep would have you believe), but in fact music has no Melody since she quit the church's "worship team" because it interfered with band practice and the Cheap Sheep Cheese prevailed.

Bleach blonde "Bleacher Bum's" bums breached the baked bacon buns carefully hidden away in Cinderella's fallout shelter 500 feet below absolute zero.

Mechagodzilla's chest cannon was powerless against the Pin-wielding mysterious caped Canuckistani, busy knitting a new chainmail bikini for Taama after the Loc-Nar's moths chewed up the last of the battles of Narnian kings!

Sponsored by Timex watches and Grandfather Clocks, Little Timer outruns Clippy in twelve parsecs or less, or your money back! But wait! There's more!

For a limited time only, if not longer, making it the most confusing sales pitch in the illustrious history of pantomime velociraptor costume restoration and customization specializing in increasing velociraptor velocity, the sales pitch was forgotten.

"So endeth the lesson," declared Nessie to Bigfoot's little brother Swollenankles, who nodded his shaggy D.A. when Disney threatened to sue him for copyright infringement before discovering it's his haircut that makes him look like Donald Trump's combover in a dishwasher falling off the Eiffel Bridge in Spain while simultaneously being pelted with depleted uranium wooden nickels and yo-yos made lovingly in the fires of frozen Lake Cocytus.

But it's now high time that Engelbert Humperdinck shows Tom Jones what's new in the world of pussycats.

Wayne Newton strenuously objected, spraining his spleen, appendix and painfully piercing his purlicue with perilously pronged pelican prods, provoking Penelope Pitstop to exclaim: "Gracious compilation post!" Thus it was.