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Book Plunge: The Art of Falling in Love

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  • Book Plunge: The Art of Falling in Love

    How do you fall in love?

    Link

    ----

    What do I think of Joe Beamís book published by Howard Books? Letís plunge into the Deeper Waters and find out.

    Joe Beam has an interesting story. He was married and then divorced his wife and got remarried. However, when he remarried, he remarried the woman he had divorced prior. In doing so, he has also spent years studying love and what it is and how one comes about falling in love.

    Many of us have this idea from our culture that falling in love is just something that happens to you and you have no say in the matter. Many of us know the experience of falling in love. The problem is we donít realize that we can do things to help us fall in love with another person. This is known as the Love Path.

    The path starts with attraction. This is basic enough for us to understand. For many of us, this is how our relationship began. I remember in my menís group a question being asked what first drew us to our wives. Now I didnít see Allie in person first but talked to her and spoke about that, but many guys came out and pretty much talked about their wifeís body. Thatís not a bad thing. Thatís not a guy being a perv or objectifying a woman. Thatís him being a man and knowing that a woman has a beautiful body and wanting to get to know her better. If after some time in a relationship the body was all that mattered to him still, there would be a problem, but itís fine to start there.

    This can also mean that in marriage still, we need to work on this. I have had to change my appearance in some ways since marrying for Allieís sake. Many men and women sadly let themselves go after they marry. Itís the message of ďI have them, so now I no longer have to try.Ē Sure, but thatís taking them for granted. Taking care of yourself to be attractive is showing love to your spouse as well.

    The next step is acceptance. Attraction is never enough. Many of us guys have known being attracted to a woman and never doing anything with it and the relationship only exists in our own heads. When you act and speak to them, eventually both of you get to the place of acceptance where you decide to give one another a chance. Thus, the second place on the path is Acceptance.

    After that comes Attachment. This is where you get more serious about your relationship. It could start with something like going steady. After that, you can get engaged and of course, get married. In this, you build a position where the other person becomes a more central part of your world.

    Finally comes Aspiration. In this step, which is often neglected, both look at the dreams of one another and see what can best be done to meet those dreams. If the two contradict, as they often can, there is some compromise reached whereby both parties are happy.

    Thereís also something said on what love truly is. We often confuse it with what is called limerence. This is a super strong infatuation with another person you are not married to. When acted on, 99% of the time the limerence eventually fades and the person wakes up and says ďWhat have I done?Ē Beam says marriages can recover from this and it is extremely common.

    Falling in love is not just an emotional response. Itís a choice. It is a position of the will and a deliberate action that is done. I can say on my part my love for Allie has only grown over the years.

    If you are in a marriage wanting to improve or needing to be saved, this is a very good book to get. I highly recommend it.

    In Christ,
    Nick Peters

  • #2
    I dunno that there's a whole lot of choice involved with falling in love - though our words and actions can enhance or impede the love of others toward us. My wife and I are committed to putting the other first, which helps to cement our love for each other. My love is certainly stronger now than when we got married, despite the fact that we're still working to improve our communication.
    Enter the Church and wash away your sins. For here there is a hospital and not a court of law. Do not be ashamed to enter the Church; be ashamed when you sin, but not when you repent. Ė St. John Chrysostom

    Veritas vos Liberabit<>< Learn Greek <>< Look here for an Orthodox Church in America<><Ancient Faith Radio
    sigpic
    I recommend you do not try too hard and ...research as little as possible. Such weighty things give me a headache. - Shunyadragon, Baha'i apologist

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    • #3
      What we often think of as love is more often limerence. The best work on this is Love and Limerence by Tennov. She's the foundational researcher on it. Love though is not dependent on the emotions and is a constant choice.

      Comment


      • #4
        Originally posted by Apologiaphoenix View Post
        What we often think of as love is more often limerence. The best work on this is Love and Limerence by Tennov. She's the foundational researcher on it. Love though is not dependent on the emotions and is a constant choice.
        "Limerence" is a term Tennov made up. Love IS an emotion, Nick. I love my step-daughter, who's 3. It's certainly not a romantic attraction (), and it equally certainly not a conscious choice I made once, let alone constantly.
        Enter the Church and wash away your sins. For here there is a hospital and not a court of law. Do not be ashamed to enter the Church; be ashamed when you sin, but not when you repent. Ė St. John Chrysostom

        Veritas vos Liberabit<>< Learn Greek <>< Look here for an Orthodox Church in America<><Ancient Faith Radio
        sigpic
        I recommend you do not try too hard and ...research as little as possible. Such weighty things give me a headache. - Shunyadragon, Baha'i apologist

        Comment


        • #5
          I think this is one of those instances where the english language cannot fully convey things. It's been a while since I read The Four Loves, but your post reminds me of that.

          Agape is the love that Christians are called to have and that God helps us with. Agape is kind of hard to describe. It is desiring the best for another for their sake.

          As for affection and romantic stuff I see it as both emotion and and act of will. You may for example love your wife dearly, but you have to actively participate in showing that in ways she can understand.

          Just my two cents.
          sigpic

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          • #6
            Disagree entirely OBP. I think love can result in emotions, but it is not one. You can have love for your step-daughter even on a day where she's misbehaving very much and you're angry with her. A mother may not feel a lot of love for her infant when he wakes her up crying during the night, but she will still do the loving thing.

            Of course, limerence is a made-up term. She wanted to differentiate it from love. Limerence can result in love, but often it is not really going to be the lasting love unless there's a good foundation laid that does not depend on the emotions.

            Comment


            • #7
              Originally posted by Apologiaphoenix View Post
              Disagree entirely OBP. I think love can result in emotions, but it is not one. You can have love for your step-daughter even on a day where she's misbehaving very much and you're angry with her. A mother may not feel a lot of love for her infant when he wakes her up crying during the night, but she will still do the loving thing.

              Of course, limerence is a made-up term. She wanted to differentiate it from love. Limerence can result in love, but often it is not really going to be the lasting love unless there's a good foundation laid that does not depend on the emotions.
              I think my post answers this question.
              sigpic

              Comment


              • #8
                Originally posted by Apologiaphoenix View Post

                Of course, limerence is a made-up term. She wanted to differentiate it from love. Limerence can result in love, but often it is not really going to be the lasting love unless there's a good foundation laid that does not depend on the emotions.
                Aren't all words made up terms, in a sense? I think it is a real concept. I think it's even hinted at in the Bible (with the one year honeymoon period in the Pentateuch).
                "I am not angered that the Moral Majority boys campaign against abortion. I am angry when the same men who say, "Save OUR children" bellow "Build more and bigger bombers." That's right! Blast the children in other nations into eternity, or limbless misery as they lay crippled from "OUR" bombers! This does not jell." - Leonard Ravenhill

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                • #9
                  Another place of limerence is with Amnon and Tamar. It's limerence because it was all about what he wanted and in the end, once he got what he wanted, he hated her with more hatred than the love with which he had loved her.

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Originally posted by Apologiaphoenix View Post
                    Disagree entirely OBP. I think love can result in emotions, but it is not one. You can have love for your step-daughter even on a day where she's misbehaving very much and you're angry with her. A mother may not feel a lot of love for her infant when he wakes her up crying during the night, but she will still do the loving thing.
                    You appear to be treating love as some sort of steady force of something. That I might have temporary feelings of anger or irritation does not mean that love itself is not a feeling. I tolerate her misbehavior because my love is greater than my anger. I may deliberately recollect my love for her in order to temper my response, but my choice is to recall my love, which is already firmly established (not by choice). I would like to love my other three stepchildren, but the feelings just aren't there (yet).
                    Of course, limerence is a made-up term. She wanted to differentiate it from love. Limerence can result in love, but often it is not really going to be the lasting love unless there's a good foundation laid that does not depend on the emotions.
                    Differentiation is fine, and I understand the distinction she's drawing. Declaring that love is not an emotion is not fine.
                    Enter the Church and wash away your sins. For here there is a hospital and not a court of law. Do not be ashamed to enter the Church; be ashamed when you sin, but not when you repent. Ė St. John Chrysostom

                    Veritas vos Liberabit<>< Learn Greek <>< Look here for an Orthodox Church in America<><Ancient Faith Radio
                    sigpic
                    I recommend you do not try too hard and ...research as little as possible. Such weighty things give me a headache. - Shunyadragon, Baha'i apologist

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      Originally posted by One Bad Pig View Post
                      You appear to be treating love as some sort of steady force of something. That I might have temporary feelings of anger or irritation does not mean that love itself is not a feeling. I tolerate her misbehavior because my love is greater than my anger. I may deliberately recollect my love for her in order to temper my response, but my choice is to recall my love, which is already firmly established (not by choice). I would like to love my other three stepchildren, but the feelings just aren't there (yet).
                      Steady force? No. Steady choice? Absolutely. Every day is a choice to love or not love. My feelings don't matter in it ultimately. If they come, great, but it's easy to love someone when you feel like it. When you don't is when true love exists. How you treat your stepchildren is important. If you feel a certain way, great. If not, you still act in love.

                      Differentiation is fine, and I understand the distinction she's drawing. Declaring that love is not an emotion is not fine.
                      Love can result in a powerful emotion, but it is not the emotion itself. The emotion fades, and really if it comes from limerence, thank God it fades. No one could function if it stayed that way.

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        Again cant love both a choice and an emotion?
                        sigpic

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          Originally posted by Apologiaphoenix View Post
                          Steady force? No. Steady choice? Absolutely. Every day is a choice to love or not love.
                          What you're asserting is entirely foreign to my experience. I have never consciously chosen to love someone, yet I love many people. My wife did not choose to love me, either; in fact, she spent months trying to suppress her love for me before acknowledging it.
                          My feelings don't matter in it ultimately. If they come, great, but it's easy to love someone when you feel like it. When you don't is when true love exists.
                          I agree that true love remains even when things get difficult.
                          How you treat your stepchildren is important. If you feel a certain way, great. If not, you still act in love.
                          I will respect them regardless of how I feel. Feelings of storgoi may come with time.
                          Love can result in a powerful emotion, but it is not the emotion itself. The emotion fades, and really if it comes from limerence, thank God it fades. No one could function if it stayed that way.
                          Source: Merriam Webster: love

                          1a(1): strong affection for another arising out of kinship or personal ties
                          maternal love for a child
                          (2): attraction based on sexual desire : affection and tenderness felt by lovers
                          After all these years, they are still very much in love.
                          (3): affection based on admiration, benevolence, or common interests
                          love for his old schoolmates
                          b: an assurance of affection
                          give her my love

                          © Copyright Original Source



                          Don't see emotion referenced there directly, however
                          Source: Merriam Webster: affection

                          1: a feeling of liking and caring for someone or something : tender attachment : FONDNESS
                          She had a deep affection for her parents.
                          2: a moderate feeling or emotion

                          © Copyright Original Source



                          I'll go with the dictionary, which is an authoritative source, over your assertion which is contrary to my experience. I also think I'll stick with the more familiar word "lust" to describe what lovers tend to initially feel.
                          Enter the Church and wash away your sins. For here there is a hospital and not a court of law. Do not be ashamed to enter the Church; be ashamed when you sin, but not when you repent. Ė St. John Chrysostom

                          Veritas vos Liberabit<>< Learn Greek <>< Look here for an Orthodox Church in America<><Ancient Faith Radio
                          sigpic
                          I recommend you do not try too hard and ...research as little as possible. Such weighty things give me a headache. - Shunyadragon, Baha'i apologist

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            Originally posted by One Bad Pig View Post
                            What you're asserting is entirely foreign to my experience. I have never consciously chosen to love someone, yet I love many people. My wife did not choose to love me, either; in fact, she spent months trying to suppress her love for me before acknowledging it.
                            You do not choose a feeling. You choose an action. If you have a feeling, whether to act on it or not or how to act on it is a choice.

                            I agree that true love remains even when things get difficult.
                            It should remain. Sadly, many times it doesn't. We could say it isn't true love then.

                            I will respect them regardless of how I feel. Feelings of storgoi may come with time.
                            As with all loves. A powerful emotion is a great feeling, but it does not constitute love.

                            Source: Merriam Webster: love

                            1a(1): strong affection for another arising out of kinship or personal ties
                            maternal love for a child
                            (2): attraction based on sexual desire : affection and tenderness felt by lovers
                            After all these years, they are still very much in love.
                            (3): affection based on admiration, benevolence, or common interests
                            love for his old schoolmates
                            b: an assurance of affection
                            give her my love

                            © Copyright Original Source



                            Don't see emotion referenced there directly, however
                            Source: Merriam Webster: affection

                            1: a feeling of liking and caring for someone or something : tender attachment : FONDNESS
                            She had a deep affection for her parents.
                            2: a moderate feeling or emotion

                            © Copyright Original Source



                            I'll go with the dictionary, which is an authoritative source, over your assertion which is contrary to my experience. I also think I'll stick with the more familiar word "lust" to describe what lovers tend to initially feel.
                            Not I. I'll go with what I see in Scripture where love is defined by actions. Consider 1 Cor. 13. No feelings in that chapter described. The quality of what love is and actions with it are described.

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