Announcement

Collapse

Deeper Waters Forum Guidelines

Notice – The ministries featured in this section of TheologyWeb are guests of this site and in some cases not bargaining for the rough and tumble world of debate forums, though sometimes they are. Additionally, this area is frequented and highlighted for guests who also very often are not acclimated to debate fora. As such, the rules of conduct here will be more strict than in the general forum. This will be something within the discretion of the Moderators and the Ministry Representative, but we simply ask that you conduct yourselves in a manner considerate of the fact that these ministries are our invited guests. You can always feel free to start a related thread in general forum without such extra restrictions. Thank you.

Deeper Waters is founded on the belief that the Christian community has long been in the shallow end of Christianity while there are treasures of the deep waiting to be discovered. Too many in the shallow end are not prepared when they go out beyond those waters and are quickly devoured by sharks. We wish to aid Christians to equip them to navigate the deeper waters of the ocean of truth and come up with treasure in the end.

We also wish to give special aid to those often neglected, that is, the disabled community. This is especially so since our founders are both on the autism spectrum and have a special desire to reach those on that spectrum. While they are a special emphasis, we seek to help others with any disability realize that God can use them and that they are as the Psalmist says, fearfully and wonderfully made.

General TheologyWeb forum rules: here.
See more
See less

Things Not To Say To A Divorced Person #3: Why The Spouse Is Gone

Collapse
X
 
  • Filter
  • Time
  • Show
Clear All
new posts

  • Things Not To Say To A Divorced Person #3: Why The Spouse Is Gone

    Is there a time to not answer questions?

    Link

    --------

    Should we avoid speculation? Let's plunge into the Deeper Waters and find out.

    Why? It's one of the most common questions out there. Consider the lyrics to the classic Beatles song Yesterday.

    "Why she had to go?
    I don't know. She wouldn't say.
    I said something wrong,
    Now I long for yesterday."

    Sometimes, we ask the question and we want an answer, but we don't. If anything, we hope God would give us an answer to explain our suffering. However, when others who aren't God, which are abundant around us, can attempt to answer our question, it doesn't help.

    The good intention:

    If a divorced person is asking why they lost their spouse, many people want to come up with an answer thinking it will help the person emotionally. After all, if they knew why they were suffering, it could make the suffering all the easier for them. Besides, isn't this the problem of evil and aren't we supposed to give answers?

    Why it's wrong:

    With the problem of evil, one can give general answers, but one cannot give specific answers without a divine word revealed to them. This is often given with events we're not directly tied to. If someone is emotionally invested in some event, the last thing to do is to give pat answers.

    I have told many a man in apologetics that if you're ever serving in a church and a woman in the church comes crying to you because her teenage son died in a car accident just now and she's wondering why it happened, you'd better not become a philosopher at that moment. She may ask why, but that is not the question to answer. The point needed at the time is that she needs a listener and a friend. Bottom line: She needs a pastor.

    Now it could be that when she's gone through the grief process that she can meet with the pastor and they can discuss the problem of evil generally. Even then, it is best to not try to give specific answers to the question as we do not know the specifics. Unfortunately, in our day and age, nearly everyone in Christian circles and their mother thinks God is talking to them and are more than ready to tell them what God says on the matter.

    Someone going through a divorce can still be in the grieving process. They may ask the questions, but it is more of a venting process than anything else. Remember, Job's friends were excellent friends, when they were saying nothing. When they spoke up, they actually added to Job's sufferings and blamed him for what he was going through.

    Not only that, but theologically, many of us take claiming to speak for God way too lightly. Even in things that seem mundane, such as when people say they are doing what they feel like God is leading them to do. I get concerned when a pastor says before a sermon that "God put this message on his heart." Am I supposed to accept that this sermon is from God then and every word should count as Scripture?

    Also realize that even if the marriage they left was a bad one, they are still grieving and do not need the pat answers. Very rarely is any marriage entirely bad. There are many good things that can be remembered. I remember yesterday on the job sorting through items people left behind and seeing a cross-shaped object with what looked like a small nativity scene on it and the saying "God bless this home."

    Don't get me wrong. It's a good sentiment and something wonderful to share, but for me, I just thought immediately, "I used to get items like this and we had them in our house." That was painful. One of the worst aspects of divorce is that good memories become bad ones. If a spouse is widowed, they can remember the good times, but the divorced person sees the good times tainted by a rejection the widowed person doesn't.

    When a person asks why then, don't give vain speculation. That will do more harm than good. So what should you do instead?

    What to do instead:

    It's simple.

    Be quiet.

    Seriously. There's no need to answer the question. Instead, just be a friend to them. Take them out for a meal or a movie. Have a game night with them. Go for a hike. Do something fun and active with them. If they want to cry or even angrily rant, that's okay. Just listen.

    One of the oddities in our society today is we think we always have to say something. We don't. Sometimes silence can be one of the best gifts you can give someone. It tells them they can talk to you without getting platitudes and without judgment. For the latter, rest assured people who are divorced get more than enough judgment.

    Speaking can many times make matters worse. People who are going through divorce or have been divorced have questions, but not all questions are seeking answers. Giving wrong and/or hurtful answers can just lead to more questions which leads to more wrong and/or hurtful answers. It's a vicious cycle.

    Best thing to do then? Just be quiet and listen. It will be appreciated a lot more. Again, be Jesus to them. Don't think you speak with the authority of Jesus. You don't.

    In Christ,
    Nick Peters
    (And I affirm the virgin birth)

  • #2
    Understood on all points.

    Curious what your view is on when and under what circumstance answers to these questions are rightfully asked? Thinking of the church context. Divorce is a grievous sin that the Bible talks about in detail. It's pertinent to know how to handle it in terms of church discipline and how to pray, whether healing or repentance, or what mixture of both.

    Apologies if you already addressed this.

    Comment


    • #3
      I think they're fine sometimes, provided the person isn't going through the sufferintg. Again, divorced people are often singled out.

      Comment

      Related Threads

      Collapse

      Topics Statistics Last Post
      Started by Apologiaphoenix, 03-15-2024, 10:19 PM
      14 responses
      74 views
      1 like
      Last Post rogue06
      by rogue06
       
      Started by Apologiaphoenix, 03-13-2024, 10:13 PM
      6 responses
      60 views
      0 likes
      Last Post Apologiaphoenix  
      Started by Apologiaphoenix, 03-12-2024, 09:36 PM
      1 response
      23 views
      0 likes
      Last Post rogue06
      by rogue06
       
      Started by Apologiaphoenix, 03-11-2024, 10:19 PM
      0 responses
      22 views
      2 likes
      Last Post Apologiaphoenix  
      Started by Apologiaphoenix, 03-08-2024, 11:59 AM
      4 responses
      47 views
      0 likes
      Last Post rogue06
      by rogue06
       
      Working...
      X